In response to the recent unveiling of yet another stupidly named car at a location where people aren’t normally allowed, manufacturers have reached a collective decision to discard basic English once and for all when naming their products.

In future, even entirely made up words will be replaced by new words that sound a little bit like  proper words but, when written down, are virtually unrecognisable.

That Bird From Countdown

To combat any language problems non-dyslexics might encounter, companies will seek to adopt a range of C- and D-list celebrities to act as ambassadors for their new products. Under the new plans they will also be awarded with spurious job titles and will have other people’s hard work attributed to them in recognition of their invaluable contribution.

German manufacturer BMW has already announced it is to alphabetise its entire range in compliance with the new global protocol. From next year all new model names will be spelt out, in full, across the boot lid by a certified cretin fresh from receiving extra time in their GCSEs.

Despite the confusion the switch might cause, company officials predict vast savings in the number of little silver letters used on current designs.

Quick to conform to the new guidelines, Kia will drop the confusing punctuation found in its cee’d model – as bosses agree it is not actually a proper misleading word – and replace it with an edgy new name that the company says was inspired by numbers whiz and new brand spokesperson, That Bird From Countdown.

Adverts for the re-badged ceedoque will appear on the puzzle pages of several national newspapers ahead of its arrival in showrooms early next year.

For further information please contact:

Victoria Beckham
Executive Designer
Land Rover UK