After backing a brand new car into the wall of a massive, empty garage the idiot responsible explains just how much of a twat he feels.
New drug testing measures for OAPs
In response to new measures to combat dangerous and drug driving, the government is to introduce roadside urine sampling to target what it sees as the highest risk individuals, the elderly.
Mind the seats, Mildred
Experts predict the new measures will curb Sunday afternoon tailbacks by as much as 65 percent, and significantly reduce the number of engine stalls occurring at busy traffic lights in town.
Police forces across the country will be given free reign to detain anyone they suspect of dangerous driving, as well as carry out the controversial new “stop-and-squirt” powers to test for dangerously high sugar levels.
“Initially we will be targeting the worst offenders. Many pensioners are often so whacked up on hard toffees that they can barely see over the steering wheel. This can be very dangerous, particularly for the rest of us when we are high on cocaine and late for work.” Said a local policeman. “In the future we expect to find ways to discriminate against cloth cap wearers and anyone displaying a National Trust badge.” He continued.
Surprisingly, age discrimination charities have also welcomed the announcement. “We think this is a great initiative. I could have murdered the old codger who made me late for my wine tasting last week.” A charity spokeswoman said. “The sooner we get these wrinklies off the road the better. My kids would be ever so please if I make it back from my whiskey club meetings in time to make them dinner.”
Flintoff finds his forté
After a season plagued with injury, England cricketer Andrew Flintoff finally settles on a career with genuine prospects.
