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Ecclestone plans global takeover after Russian GP deal

October 15th, 2010 by Farce | No Comments | Filed in Wordy Bits

Megalomaniac and part time chocolate factory worker Bernie Ecclestone has revealed Russia as the latest country to join the F1 calendar.

Not Bernie Ecclestone

A spokesperson not representing Ecclestone’s company, Formula One Management, gleefully made this statement.

“We’re really happy about our latest conquest deal. Formula One will be invading Russia in 2014 and we couldn’t be happier. We’ve finally achieved what the Germans couldn’t back in the Forties,” he cooed whilst wringing his hands together.

“Our next battle will definitely be in the US. We’re really excited about taking on America, and are eying up several locations including a glamorous waterfront race in Hawaii.”

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Quangos call for car industry cuts

October 15th, 2010 by Farce | No Comments | Filed in Wordy Bits

A bearded TWAT

White-bearded men with small circular bifocal glasses and underpaid civil servants were today left reeling at the news of the abolition of hundreds of pointless quangos as part of new government austerity measures.

Under the proposals up to twelve thousand semi-retired middle class men could be left without something to interfere in, and as many as three bored graduates could lose their hard fought Final Salary pensions in the cuts.

Despite slashes across the board, think tanks for the automotive sector remain largely untouched in today’s announcement.

“We’re really concerned about pollution in the car industry,” said a buffoon from Traffic Wardens Against Transport Solutions (TWATS).

“It’s all very well talking about lower CO2 and NOx levels but our real concern is all this hot air being pumped out by the dozens of transport quangos.”

A car industry spokesperson responded by saying, “We want these TWATS to shut up.”

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Adopt a Jaguar appeal launched

August 21st, 2010 by Farce | No Comments | Filed in Wordy Bits

Tata Motors has announced it is to adopt a radical new approach to refinancing its debts with the introduction of a new adoption scheme.

The ‘Adopt a Jaguar’ program will pair unwanted Jaguar cars from around the neglected West Midlands region with concerned people in the third world who may never experience the sound of the endangered Castle Bromwich Jaguar.

“The World Wildlife Fund is an ideal partner for the Jaguar brand as people throughout the world are aware of the hard work carried out in protecting endangered animals.” A company statement said.

“The Jaguar’s habitat is being destroyed at an alarming rate through the impact of new development in India, plant destruction in the UK and the increasing risk of sales erosion across the globe. More than 40 per cent of its native breeding area has already been eradicated, and the Jaguar is seriously under threat.”

A television appeal is already under way in sub-Saharan Africa, where the latest research suggests 97 percent of the population have never seen a Jaguar or a TV.

“A donation of just £3 a month will help to keep one classic Jaguar on the road for at least half a mile,” a spokesperson for the ‘Adopt a Jaguar’ appeal said. “Anyone generous enough to make a donation will receive a photo of their adopted Jaguar, a letter of thanks from its mechanic and one of those ‘new car smell’ air fresheners that whiff of damp shoe boxes.”

Tata, the Indian owners of Jaguar and Land Rover, hope to raise more than 47 billion rupees (about 65 quid) from the appeal.

New drug testing measures for OAPs

August 6th, 2010 by Farce | No Comments | Filed in Wordy Bits

In response to new measures to combat dangerous and drug driving, the government is to introduce roadside urine sampling to target what it sees as the highest risk individuals, the elderly.

Mind the seats, Mildred

Experts predict the new measures will curb Sunday afternoon tailbacks by as much as 65 percent, and significantly reduce the number of engine stalls occurring at busy traffic lights in town.

Police forces across the country will be given free reign to detain anyone they suspect of dangerous driving, as well as carry out the controversial new “stop-and-squirt” powers to test for dangerously high sugar levels.

“Initially we will be targeting the worst offenders. Many pensioners are often so whacked up on hard toffees that they can barely see over the steering wheel. This can be very dangerous, particularly for the rest of us when we are high on cocaine and late for work.” Said a local policeman. “In the future we expect to find ways to discriminate against cloth cap wearers and anyone displaying a National Trust badge.” He continued.

Surprisingly, age discrimination charities have also welcomed the announcement. “We think this is a great initiative. I could have murdered the old codger who made me late for my wine tasting last week.” A charity spokeswoman said. “The sooner we get these wrinklies off the road the better. My kids would be ever so please if I make it back from my whiskey club meetings in time to make them dinner.”

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Force India in driver mix-up

July 30th, 2010 by Farce | No Comments | Filed in Motorsport, Wordy Bits

Force India has been reprimanded by the stewards for a third time in the space of a week after it emerged the team had inadvertently fielded an ineligible driver during Friday’s practice session at the Hungarian Grand Prix.

Paul di Resta

The first incident saw Force India bosses receive a stern, but enjoyable, slap on the arse following last week’s mix-up at the German Grand Prix where the pit crew mistook one hopeless driver for the other and fitted the incorrect monogrammed tyres, making everyone look rather foolish.

Earlier today the team’s second tyre-related infraction was punished with a 5000 Euro fine that multimillionaire owner Vijay Mallya reportedly paid off with the small change found in the ashtray of his Tata Indica car.

However, officials are considering a more severe penalty after the occurrence of a third offence which saw Emmerdale heart-throb Andy Sugden inadvertently take the wheel instead of test driver Paul di Resta.

Andy from Emmerdale

A spokesperson for the team commented, “It was an easy mistake to make. They both look so similar and with the pace of our VJM03 F1 car comparable to Mr Sugden’s tractor we really weren’t aware of the mistake until a fan went to go and get his autograph.

We immediately knew something was up as we’ve never seen anyone approach Paul for an autograph before.”

It is unclear what action the FIA will now take, but actors union Equity are thought to be considering legal action over the mix-up. “It’s just totally unfair to expect a national soap treasure to perform in such dangerous surroundings. We wouldn’t expect Mr di Resta to film a TV show in Yorkshire, and we’re sure his insurance wouldn’t cover it either.”

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