Archive for August, 2010

Adopt a Jaguar appeal launched

August 21st, 2010 by Farce | No Comments | Filed in Wordy Bits

Tata Motors has announced it is to adopt a radical new approach to refinancing its debts with the introduction of a new adoption scheme.

The ‘Adopt a Jaguar’ program will pair unwanted Jaguar cars from around the neglected West Midlands region with concerned people in the third world who may never experience the sound of the endangered Castle Bromwich Jaguar.

“The World Wildlife Fund is an ideal partner for the Jaguar brand as people throughout the world are aware of the hard work carried out in protecting endangered animals.” A company statement said.

“The Jaguar’s habitat is being destroyed at an alarming rate through the impact of new development in India, plant destruction in the UK and the increasing risk of sales erosion across the globe. More than 40 per cent of its native breeding area has already been eradicated, and the Jaguar is seriously under threat.”

A television appeal is already under way in sub-Saharan Africa, where the latest research suggests 97 percent of the population have never seen a Jaguar or a TV.

“A donation of just £3 a month will help to keep one classic Jaguar on the road for at least half a mile,” a spokesperson for the ‘Adopt a Jaguar’ appeal said. “Anyone generous enough to make a donation will receive a photo of their adopted Jaguar, a letter of thanks from its mechanic and one of those ‘new car smell’ air fresheners that whiff of damp shoe boxes.”

Tata, the Indian owners of Jaguar and Land Rover, hope to raise more than 47 billion rupees (about 65 quid) from the appeal.

Learn how to park, with N-Duds

August 13th, 2010 by Farce | No Comments | Filed in News

After backing a brand new car into the wall of a massive, empty garage the idiot responsible explains just how much of a twat he feels.

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Eddie says

August 13th, 2010 by Farce | No Comments | Filed in Motorsport

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New drug testing measures for OAPs

August 6th, 2010 by Farce | No Comments | Filed in Wordy Bits

In response to new measures to combat dangerous and drug driving, the government is to introduce roadside urine sampling to target what it sees as the highest risk individuals, the elderly.

Mind the seats, Mildred

Experts predict the new measures will curb Sunday afternoon tailbacks by as much as 65 percent, and significantly reduce the number of engine stalls occurring at busy traffic lights in town.

Police forces across the country will be given free reign to detain anyone they suspect of dangerous driving, as well as carry out the controversial new “stop-and-squirt” powers to test for dangerously high sugar levels.

“Initially we will be targeting the worst offenders. Many pensioners are often so whacked up on hard toffees that they can barely see over the steering wheel. This can be very dangerous, particularly for the rest of us when we are high on cocaine and late for work.” Said a local policeman. “In the future we expect to find ways to discriminate against cloth cap wearers and anyone displaying a National Trust badge.” He continued.

Surprisingly, age discrimination charities have also welcomed the announcement. “We think this is a great initiative. I could have murdered the old codger who made me late for my wine tasting last week.” A charity spokeswoman said. “The sooner we get these wrinklies off the road the better. My kids would be ever so please if I make it back from my whiskey club meetings in time to make them dinner.”

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Eddie says

August 6th, 2010 by Farce | No Comments | Filed in Motorsport

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